Earlier this month we did another insemination. Just got my period today. Last week found out one of our best friends is pregnant. Up until a couple months ago she didn't even want children. My grandfather's twin brother died two days before my 30th birthday. Someone in my town jumped off an overpass today. Surprised that wasn't me.
I'm not sure how I'm even a functioning human being anymore. I think most of my social interactions are just automatic, going off muscle memory. I don't care what anyone has to say about anything or what they think about anything. I don't really care about much of anything at all. I think I would be perfectly happy if I never had to leave the house or speak to anyone else again.
I just don't get this bullshit. Two people close to me, both over 30, both who didn't want or weren't sure they wanted kids, both got pregnant the first month they went off birth control. I start trying to get pregnant at 28, hadn't been on birth control for years (our first sign we were going to have trouble), wanted to have children for years, and here I am, almost 3 years later, and all I have to show for it is one failed pregnancy. I don't even have a fucking diagnosis. No one can figure out what is wrong with me! From what anyone can tell, all my parts look the way they should, and my doctor should know, he cut me open to check it out. I think if I at least had a diagnosis, that would help. I would know either it's never going to happen so stop trying, or this is what's wrong so we know exactly what to do to fix it or work around it. But no, my reproductive system is a fucking mystery so it's all just guesswork.
And my husband..... I love him, but if he tells me one more time to "Just be positive", I may strangle him. Well, maybe just put tape over his mouth. I need him alive if I want his baby.
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