Earlier this month we did another insemination. Just got my period today. Last week found out one of our best friends is pregnant. Up until a couple months ago she didn't even want children. My grandfather's twin brother died two days before my 30th birthday. Someone in my town jumped off an overpass today. Surprised that wasn't me.
I'm not sure how I'm even a functioning human being anymore. I think most of my social interactions are just automatic, going off muscle memory. I don't care what anyone has to say about anything or what they think about anything. I don't really care about much of anything at all. I think I would be perfectly happy if I never had to leave the house or speak to anyone else again.
I just don't get this bullshit. Two people close to me, both over 30, both who didn't want or weren't sure they wanted kids, both got pregnant the first month they went off birth control. I start trying to get pregnant at 28, hadn't been on birth control for years (our first sign we were going to have trouble), wanted to have children for years, and here I am, almost 3 years later, and all I have to show for it is one failed pregnancy. I don't even have a fucking diagnosis. No one can figure out what is wrong with me! From what anyone can tell, all my parts look the way they should, and my doctor should know, he cut me open to check it out. I think if I at least had a diagnosis, that would help. I would know either it's never going to happen so stop trying, or this is what's wrong so we know exactly what to do to fix it or work around it. But no, my reproductive system is a fucking mystery so it's all just guesswork.
And my husband..... I love him, but if he tells me one more time to "Just be positive", I may strangle him. Well, maybe just put tape over his mouth. I need him alive if I want his baby.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Shit happens. Right?
So this blog was originally about my life. Then I realized I'm boring and the only things I would probably post about would be complaints, so I deleted those posts and restarted. I thought, I'll do a blog about random stuff I love. Then my boring life got in the way and I didn't keep up. Funny how that works.
I've thought many times about making this is a blog about my life, more like a diary, but I thought, who the hell wants to read about my life? But you know, I've had a lot of different things happen in my almost 30 years, that many different people could probably relate to. Also, I don't plan to really advertise this blog, so how many people are really going to see it anyway? So I guess what I decided to do it just post whatever the hell I want to. My life, stuff I love, my pets, school, work, whatever. Tonight, however, it's about my life. It's about all the heartache my husband and I have gone through in the past year. I need a shoulder to cry on tonight, and since I'm irritated with my husband, this will be my shoulder. So if you don't want my tears to stain your shirt, you should probably go find something else to read.
The past year has been mostly shit. Back in October our beloved cat, Bruce, passed away. He had been fighting cancer for several months and finally he just couldn't fight anymore. We got him (and his two siblings) as a kitten the summer of 2002, after we had only been dating a few months. He had been with us through our entire relationship. Losing him was one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. Some might think, "Wow, she must have not had many hard things happen to her". I would assume those people don't have pets. Bruce was part of our family, he brought so much joy and love to our lives and I miss him on a daily basis. There are so many things I notice in a day that would be different if he were here. A lot of people wouldn't think that a pet could make that much of a difference in someone's life, but they do.
Then in January, we got wonderful news. After two years of trying to get pregnant naturally, we finally got pregnant through an insemination procedure. We were over the moon. Then just a couple weeks after getting the good news, I went in for an ultrasound, only to find out that the pregnancy was ectopic. The egg had implanted in my fallopian tube instead of in my uterus. If allowed to continue, not only would the baby not survive, but neither would I, so, the pregnancy had to be aborted. My one and so far, only pregnancy. Seeing the positive test immediately had me seeing my brand new future with a beautiful baby. And in no time, those dreams were totally trashed. To add insult to injury, the methotrexate shot I was given essentially slowly killed the embryo inside me. So for weeks, I had to go about my daily life knowing that the baby I had dreamed of and longed for was dying inside my body. It was total agony. Now here it is, 7 months later, full of fertility drugs, a surgery to figure out what's wrong with me, and monthly ultrasounds and still no pregnancy.
In April, my husband's grandmother had a stroke. She passed away just a few weeks later. Her death devastated the family. She was an incredible woman who had lived through so many hardships through her life already, then to go out the way she did was just so unfair. Seeing my husband so heartbroken just killed me. Surely, it couldn't get worse.
Then just a couple weeks later, his aunt died. Then a few weeks after that his grandfather died. In a time span of just 6 weeks, my husband lost his last two grandparents and his aunt. Losing loved ones like that is one of the worst things. No one got a chance to grieve before someone else passed. There was no time for healing. After his grandfather passed, we hoped that would be the end of the tragedies for the year.
So far, so good.... I think. My great grandfather is now in the hospital. He was thought to have had a stroke, but he didn't, thankfully. However, he is being moved to a nursing home for the next month for rehab. My great grandfather is 96 and is a character. He sometimes seems to be slipping into dementia, but it's hard to tell if he's really losing it, or if he's just messing with my grandma, trying to drive her nuts. He's always been a joker. I imagine the life he's led, all the years he's seen, and I realize that I haven't heard enough of his stories. I want him to meet my children. Even though most of the time he doesn't know who I am, I can't help but think, how many people get to meet their great great grandchildren and vice versa?
With Rich's grandparents and his aunt passing away, and my great grandfather being ill, it just makes me think, how many more people are our children going to miss out on meeting? What if something happens to my grandparents? They're not in perfect health; my grandfather is having two cardiac procedures done later this month and then my grandmother will be having knee surgery. At their ages and with their prior conditions, it's not safe to assume that their surgeries will be uneventful. That scares the utter shit out of me. I can't imagine losing them. I can't imagine my children never knowing them. They were practically my surrogate parents. Since I am not in contact with my mother (for the last 6 years) and my dad might as well be a stranger to me, for all intents and purposes, my grandparents will be my children's grandparents.
When I think about the fact that I am unable to get pregnant without medical assistance, and the odds of me actually getting pregnant due to that, I just feel so completely hopeless. If I ever have children, they may never know the people who mean the most to me. We've already lost two very important people to Rich, and it kills him that our children won't meet his grandparents. And every month that I get that negative test, it's one month closer to someone I love being gone. I know that's such a negative way to look at it, but I can't help it at this point. We've been trying to get pregnant for 2 and half years. I'm not even 30 yet. These are supposed to be my fertile years. I'll be 30 in September and once you hit your 30's, that cuts the chances of getting pregnant almost in half.
I started a new fertility drug this month and we're doing another insemination. God I hope this works. If my other pregnancy had been successful, I would have been due near the end of September. On my grandfather's birthday, actually. If I'm not pregnant when that time comes, I just don't know what state I'll be in. I don't want to think about it.
I've thought many times about making this is a blog about my life, more like a diary, but I thought, who the hell wants to read about my life? But you know, I've had a lot of different things happen in my almost 30 years, that many different people could probably relate to. Also, I don't plan to really advertise this blog, so how many people are really going to see it anyway? So I guess what I decided to do it just post whatever the hell I want to. My life, stuff I love, my pets, school, work, whatever. Tonight, however, it's about my life. It's about all the heartache my husband and I have gone through in the past year. I need a shoulder to cry on tonight, and since I'm irritated with my husband, this will be my shoulder. So if you don't want my tears to stain your shirt, you should probably go find something else to read.
The past year has been mostly shit. Back in October our beloved cat, Bruce, passed away. He had been fighting cancer for several months and finally he just couldn't fight anymore. We got him (and his two siblings) as a kitten the summer of 2002, after we had only been dating a few months. He had been with us through our entire relationship. Losing him was one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. Some might think, "Wow, she must have not had many hard things happen to her". I would assume those people don't have pets. Bruce was part of our family, he brought so much joy and love to our lives and I miss him on a daily basis. There are so many things I notice in a day that would be different if he were here. A lot of people wouldn't think that a pet could make that much of a difference in someone's life, but they do.
Then in January, we got wonderful news. After two years of trying to get pregnant naturally, we finally got pregnant through an insemination procedure. We were over the moon. Then just a couple weeks after getting the good news, I went in for an ultrasound, only to find out that the pregnancy was ectopic. The egg had implanted in my fallopian tube instead of in my uterus. If allowed to continue, not only would the baby not survive, but neither would I, so, the pregnancy had to be aborted. My one and so far, only pregnancy. Seeing the positive test immediately had me seeing my brand new future with a beautiful baby. And in no time, those dreams were totally trashed. To add insult to injury, the methotrexate shot I was given essentially slowly killed the embryo inside me. So for weeks, I had to go about my daily life knowing that the baby I had dreamed of and longed for was dying inside my body. It was total agony. Now here it is, 7 months later, full of fertility drugs, a surgery to figure out what's wrong with me, and monthly ultrasounds and still no pregnancy.
In April, my husband's grandmother had a stroke. She passed away just a few weeks later. Her death devastated the family. She was an incredible woman who had lived through so many hardships through her life already, then to go out the way she did was just so unfair. Seeing my husband so heartbroken just killed me. Surely, it couldn't get worse.
Then just a couple weeks later, his aunt died. Then a few weeks after that his grandfather died. In a time span of just 6 weeks, my husband lost his last two grandparents and his aunt. Losing loved ones like that is one of the worst things. No one got a chance to grieve before someone else passed. There was no time for healing. After his grandfather passed, we hoped that would be the end of the tragedies for the year.
So far, so good.... I think. My great grandfather is now in the hospital. He was thought to have had a stroke, but he didn't, thankfully. However, he is being moved to a nursing home for the next month for rehab. My great grandfather is 96 and is a character. He sometimes seems to be slipping into dementia, but it's hard to tell if he's really losing it, or if he's just messing with my grandma, trying to drive her nuts. He's always been a joker. I imagine the life he's led, all the years he's seen, and I realize that I haven't heard enough of his stories. I want him to meet my children. Even though most of the time he doesn't know who I am, I can't help but think, how many people get to meet their great great grandchildren and vice versa?
With Rich's grandparents and his aunt passing away, and my great grandfather being ill, it just makes me think, how many more people are our children going to miss out on meeting? What if something happens to my grandparents? They're not in perfect health; my grandfather is having two cardiac procedures done later this month and then my grandmother will be having knee surgery. At their ages and with their prior conditions, it's not safe to assume that their surgeries will be uneventful. That scares the utter shit out of me. I can't imagine losing them. I can't imagine my children never knowing them. They were practically my surrogate parents. Since I am not in contact with my mother (for the last 6 years) and my dad might as well be a stranger to me, for all intents and purposes, my grandparents will be my children's grandparents.
When I think about the fact that I am unable to get pregnant without medical assistance, and the odds of me actually getting pregnant due to that, I just feel so completely hopeless. If I ever have children, they may never know the people who mean the most to me. We've already lost two very important people to Rich, and it kills him that our children won't meet his grandparents. And every month that I get that negative test, it's one month closer to someone I love being gone. I know that's such a negative way to look at it, but I can't help it at this point. We've been trying to get pregnant for 2 and half years. I'm not even 30 yet. These are supposed to be my fertile years. I'll be 30 in September and once you hit your 30's, that cuts the chances of getting pregnant almost in half.
I started a new fertility drug this month and we're doing another insemination. God I hope this works. If my other pregnancy had been successful, I would have been due near the end of September. On my grandfather's birthday, actually. If I'm not pregnant when that time comes, I just don't know what state I'll be in. I don't want to think about it.
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